In our dire era of increasing economic inequality, we need a symbol for the oppression of the masses. Imagery is a powerful source for inciting change. If we, as the suffering collective, are to attain the glory of perfectly equal distribution, we must find a culprit for our misery. Billionaires like Sheldon Adelson and the George Soros are not popular enough to play public villains. No, what the people need is someone of prominence. They need someone well-known who represents the pure evil of unfettered capitalism.
I think I found the answer to the desperate prayers of the poor and blighted. They want a villain to join in solidarity against. Well, I shall meet their demand. For any egalitarian warrior that wants to stick a pitchfork deep into the injustice of massive wealth accumulation, there exists a target so heinous and diabolical, it begs to be destroyed.
The sole cause of human suffering in the world exists in one entity: Grumpy Cat.
That’s right; the internet sensation “Grumpy Cat” embodies the worst aspects of the nouveau riche. The crotchety feline is a disgrace to American ingenuity. She is ungrateful and undeserving of the riches she has unjustly acquired. Her talent consists of allowing pictures to be taken of her dour countenance. Surely, this is a mockery of all working class Americans.
Grumpy Cat has done nothing to advance human wisdom or goodness. Instead, the mongrel, whose real name is Tardar Sauce, earned her wealth through sheer laziness. Worst of all, Grumpy Cat has the privilege of not being a human. There are poor children in Africa who will never have the chance to experience cat privilege. How dare she strut around in comfort and luxury without doing a thing to help her fellow citizens of the world! What kind of world do we live in where a pet can earn a better living than a bank executive? Not a fair one, that’s for sure.
For all these crimes and more, it’s time we make an example out of Grumpy Cat. There are reports that the sourpussed kitten has earned close to $100 million in just two years. The owner of Ms. Sauce alleges those figures are inaccurate. But why should we believe someone who can afford a life of opulence? The rich overclass can’t be trusted. We know from Marxist dialectics that so-called “facts” are used to keep the common people in chains.
We workers aren’t privy to the true extent of how much Grumpy Cat has earned from us. We must not lose sight of the truth that the cat is not just a harmless mascot who is looked upon fondly on the internet. She’s a veritable multimedia empire. Her face is plastered upon an immeasurable array of products. She is the star of a Lifetime Christmas movie and has hosted an episode of the masculine pageant known as WWE Raw. There’s no telling how much revenue the snobbish cat has earned. Such a gross injustice calls for action.
Everyone knows income inequality threatens the stability of Western countries. Former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, whose brilliant foresight and financial acumen did nothing to prevent the financial crisis, considers “income inequality the most dangerous part of what’s going on in the United States.” Economist Thomas Picketty, whose famed calculations on worldwide capital are without flaw, also says inequality poses a threat to Western civilization. Surely, these two brilliant minds can’t be wrong!
There are those who will say that Grumpy Cat poses no threat to societal tranquility. They will say that she is a harmless feline whose natural gifts provide endless amounts of joy for many. They will claim that our worries are childish, and that a household pet should be free to earn its owner as much money as possible, provided the animal is kept away from harm. We must not be swayed by this bourgeoise logic. Reason is the enemy of the human spirit. Our envy and emotions are our greatest weapons against the entrenched inequities in this country. We must not allow the forces of rationality to interfere with our mission of eating the rich.
Now is the time for hasty thought and even hastier action. Tearing down our capitalist overseers requires a firm commitment to take no prisoners. Grumpy Cat, whose wealth is far beyond the reach of the unwashed masses, must be punished. She must be used as a symbol to rile the middle and lower classes out of their stupor. With a small push, we can convince the hoi polloi that their interests are at the heart of our sacred battle.
Let no apprehension toward chaotic revolution fool you. The wisdom of tradition must be cast off if we’re to achieve progress. Edmund Burke was a member of the white aristocracy; his words do not pertain to the struggle against the capitalist order. We must allow the moral arc of history to be our guide. When the French revolutionaries tore down the noble class, the only victims were those who deserved it. When the Bolshevik Revolution occurred, it ushered in a communist harmony devoid of human suffering. The same goes for Mao’s Great Leap Forward – another achievement in mankind’s flourishing.
Now is time for a new revolution. All the talk of the American entrepreneur is bullcockey. Warnings about human complexity and the need for peaceful cooperation is just a smokescreen for tyranny. Our freedom lies in tearing down those better and more well-off than us. We are the glorious heirs to the brave candlemakers who sought to block out the sun. Where our French brethren fought for freedom from natural competition, we fight for the liberty of not feeling inadequate next to an adorable feline. It is the most noble of causes. For if inequality is a crime, then Tarder “Grumpy Cat” Sauce is hostis humani generis.
There is only one solution that will begin the process of establishing a more equitable and more just social system: we must send Grumpy Cat to the guillotine. Her obscene amount of wealth is proof enough of guilt. Off with her head!